Poser

Alright, I’ve taken your picture, you can stop posturing. You might think you look pretty smart, your puffy out red breast, posing on a lump of wood, wings drooping to attention, showing off your backside but you’re pretty common aren’t you, not much of a find? Ten a penny in fact, why can’t you be a Siberian Blue Robin, something really exciting and exotic?

“Well sorry for not living up to your expectations or giving you a lifer mate. Please accept my apologies that I am not rare, just a common or garden Erithacus rubecula. But I think you should know I am fairly successful and well known, in fact a bit of a celeb. For instance, the readers of The Times voted me the most popular British bird, every Christmas I take a starring role on cards and postage stamps all over the world and some football clubs even like to name themselves after me. Have you never heard of The Robins? Did you know me and my mates are in pretty much every garden and there’s absolutely millions of us all over Europe?

And let me tell you, I have a pretty good sex life as well, just read up about me in BWP or on the Internet. I can get pretty much any female I want and if another bloke tries to muscle in or fancies his chances I can get pretty nasty you know. I don’t mess about; a bit of GBH will see him off pronto. In fact I am pretty hot stuff all around, so much so that last year alone I had fourteen kids and this year so far another twelve by two different birds at more or less the same time. And, keep it quiet but I had another bit on the side just in case.

Another thing you should know. I don’t hang about in the same old places like you, I get about a bit. Last week I was touring Norway, dropped into Ottenby then had a quick look over the North Sea, before stopping off at Spurn to get a brand new shiny ankle bracelet fitted for free where some ringers made quite a fuss of me. That night I took a leisurely flight over the Pennines so I could hang out near a few chums on the west coast for a few months. Found this regular spot where the old dear feeds me meal worms and wholemeal bread crumbs twice a day, can’t really go wrong, just have to keep one eye out for Tiddles, that bloody cat.

For now I’ll stick around here for a while but if I fancy a change I might hop on down to Spain for a bit of a break on some Costa then call in here later on my way back north where I can get some long summer days with plenty of juicy mosquitoes, non of your junk food for me.

So just show a bit of respect and remember all that next time you see me”.

OK Robin, no offence meant.